September 24, 2010

I just need my contacts please....

For days now I've been trying to find the time to pick up my contacts. I'm sure yall are thinking "Find the time??? You're at home on maternity leave. You should have all the time in the world". Yea I know! Those are also my thoughts exactly. But, for some reason, I have absolutely no time on my hands. What in the world?!?!? All I wanted to do today was picking up my contacts. I was able to accomplish this but didn't make it happen without a stop on a downtown curb to appease a screaming hungry baby boy. I documented the moment and find this picture is a great explanation of my life right now. Craziness! I love love love to blow and go. I also love love love to sleep. But it seems the more children I have the less I'm able to do these fabulous things. I really don't understand where time goes. Here's how my day has gone today.

12:50 a.m. - Gaines woke - feed and pump

1:50 a.m. - Gaines still bright eyed and bushy tailed and won't go back to sleep

2:15 a.m. - Scream out a random cuss word to make sure Clay is aware I'm still awake

2:30 a.m. - I gave up and put Gaines on my chest to sleep (Something I said I would never do...whatever!)

3:00 a.m. - Lola comes into our bed (nightly routine)

4:30 a.m - Gaines wakes again - feed and pump

5:05 a.m. - Sleep (FINALLY)

6:45 a.m. - Alarm goes off. Time to get up to get Lola ready for school and me ready for doctor appt.

7:50 a.m. - Feed and pump

8:20 a.m - Out the door

8:35 a.m. - Drop Lola off at school

9:00 a.m. - Doctor appt.

10:55 a.m. - Leaving doctor

11:20 a.m. - Home again - Feed and pump

12:20 p.m. - Ingested a lean cuisine (Yummy! Not really but all I have time for)

12:30 p.m. - Out the door to run errands which includes picking up contacts

2:00 p.m. - On curb downtown feeding Gaines

2:30 p.m. - Finally able to pick up contacts

2:50 p.m. - Home - pump

3:20 p.m. - Leave house again to head to grocery store. Didn't make it to the store as I ran into neighbors and talked to them for 30 minutes.

4:25 p.m. - Pick up Lola

5:00 p.m. - Home again. Put Lola on big girl potty, jump in stroller and head to Amy's Ice Cream. We needed a treat! I documented us sitting on sidewalk eating our ice cream.

6:00 p.m. - Home again. Feed and pump

7:15 p.m. - Lola getting tired. We start getting ready for bed and I realize no leche. I knew there was a reason I needed to get to grocery store today. Ran out to gas station to get leche.

7:30 p.m. - Read books to Lo

7:45 p.m. - Put Lo to bed

7:53 p.m - Head back downstairs for more leche

8:40 p.m. - Finally get baby girl to sleep

Now, I sit here pumping while I write this blog. I wonder what the evening will bring??? More pumping and feeding I assume! This is why I consider myself a human milk machine. Ironically I feel more like a cow due to the lack of weight loss and the flab/mush all over (another blog in it's own self). Seriously...this is my day! Notice I didn't really get anything done. Also notice no naps in there. Gaines is not much of a sleeper (again, we'll have to talk more about this in a future blog). Now, it's about time to go to bed (I purposely use the word "bed" vs. "sleep" as I don't really get that) and start the whole thing over again. I don't understand.... Why in the world is this the only thint my days consist of?!?!?!? Before I continue my complaining, I'm here to let you know I realize I'm on maternity leave and my main focus should be Gaines and Gaines only but I'm selfish and I need to do some things for myself in order to keep my sanity. Of course, lately I haven't been able to squeeze in anything for myself. Oh what I would give for a pedicure, or a child free happy hour or a child free yoga class or even enjoying an adult beverage at home without having to worry about when I have to pump next. I'm tired of looking at the dang clock. This is the point where I look forward to going back to work so I can have some adult time (again selfish I know). However, I'm not looking forward to returning this time as I work from home and I'm tired of being inside this house. Kind of crazy that I would love to have an office to return to but I don't so I'll have to find other ways to have that lovely "adult" time that I'm craving so much. The saga continues.....

I actually have some good/fun things to post but just haven't had time to get to that...bad I know. I hate that I'm constantly using the term "don't have time" cliche... Ugh! But really...I tried all day yesterday to write Thank You cards. I was able to get the cards out and to the coffee table but never got them written. I'm actually not as crabby as I seem....this is just my reality right now! Toodles!

September 17, 2010

Existential Crisis

I realize I've disappeared off the blogosphere the past couple weeks. I've been going through what Clay calls an existential crisis which basically means I hit a point where I question life and what it's all about. A little dramatic I know but oh how different this is from having a first child. The challenges are totally different. Some days I think I have it figured out and some days I wonder if I'll ever be able to pull it together. I wake up every morning and hope for a good day but never know exactly what I'll's pretty much a toss up. Over the past week or so I've felt things all the sudden spinning out of control and I hit rock bottom yesterday. I suddenly came to the conclusion that I wasn't meant to be a parent and something in my life just wasn't right...I wanted to run away from it all!

What got me here? Good question! I can't really pinpoint it exactly but I've recognized a lot of my problem is my patience or lack of. Some days I can handle any and everything that comes my way and others I break down at every little thing. I have those days when I feel I'm failing in all areas....failure as a parent, failure as a wife, failure as a dog owner, failure as an employee, failure as a friend, etc. I look around my house only to see a screaming toddler, screaming baby and a house that looks like a tornado hit it. It's at this point when I can either take it and move on OR I just break down in tears. I hate the days that bring tears.

The past few weeks have consisted of full on chaos! I'm sure some of it is self-inflicted but sometimes I have a hard time keeping it together. I think my hormones are still a little out of whack which could be part of the problem. For example last Tuesday I realized I forgot to add Gaines to my insurance within 30 days which meant we not only had no coverage for him but we would be stuck with all the hospital bills (NICU bills at that...OUCH!). This started the week out just perfectly and was probably the beginnings of the existential crisis.

I also really haven't been able to deal with Lola's whining and/or fits lately. They literally drive me INSANE! One day I lost it and sternly told her to "Shut up". How horrible is that?!?!?!? She immediately got a puffy lip and started crying. It really hurt her feelings which made me feel sick to my stomach. This was one of those "I'm a terrible mother" moments where I felt like I was completely failing as a parent. In addition to this terrible moment, another day last week, I realized all I had done all afternoon was scream at Lola. It sounded a little something like this - "No Lola!", "Lola, That's enough!", "Lola, If you do that one more time!", Lola! No!", "Lola, You're going to get a spanking!", "Lola, I've had it!", "No Lola!" get the point. She also got about three spankings between the hours of about 4:30 - 6:30. They don't phase her by the way. Unfortunately, not only Lola gets this sort of treatment around here. I also feel like I'm constantly yelling at the dogs to get out of my way. My poor gorgeous girls. Now they too are out of sorts due to all the chaos in this house and are constantly running to hide somewhere to get away from it all. Hell, I don't blame them.

In addition to all of this, I feel like I'm not able to spend enough time with Gaines as I'm constantly having to clean, work or pay attention to Lola so she doesn't get her feelings hurt or get frustrated/jealous and then try to hit, bite or kick him. At this point, I clearly haven't figured out how to manage it all! To make matters worse, the breastfeeding thing isn't going so well. Gaines isn't breastfeeding which means I have to pump vs. breastfeed. This takes a lot of time and energy. At this point, I'm basically a human milk machine and that's it! On top of that, he drinks the bottles too fast causing him to have little stomach issues which means lots of whining, moaning, groaning, growling and grunting. With all the funny noises he makes, sometimes I feel like I gave birth to a 90 year old man vs. a baby.

Here's the most traumatizing part of it all (not really but I'm dramatic at times)... Although I've been trying to eat healthy and consistently exercise, I weighed last week and discovered I've only lost an additional 4 lbs since my last doc visit over a month ago. WHY?? WHY?? WHY?? The weight literally melted off with Lola....not so much with this baby! Oh what an extra 2 1/2 years can do to a person. Much easier to peel off weight at 31 vs. 34. Ugh! And of course, I'm still getting NO sleep which is probably attributing to the lack of weight loss! Last night I was up every hour...pumping and feeding. It was rough! Oh how I would give anything for even a three hour stretch of sleep. That three hours would make me feel like I've died and gone to heaven. All of this translates into me being silent and depressed and not paying any attention to my hubby. Awesome!

So, that's just a brief/quick breakdown of some of the happenings. Believe it or not there's more. If only I had time to get into the detail of all of it. Maybe I will in future blogs but enough of the "woe is me" sob stories right?!?!?!? I hit rock bottom yesterday which had me laid up most of the day on the couch in full on depression mode. Gaines and I just slept all day. This is absolutely not something I would typically do but I didn't have the energy to move. Once I came out of my stupor I decided it was time to make a change. Enough of this!!! I also decided I wasn't going to wait until tomorrow or next week that I was going to make the change immediately....and I did!

I pulled it together, quickly straightened the house and headed out to pick up Lola. When I picked her up I made a commitment to myself that I would not yell or spank her. It's clear this type of discipline is not working for Lo so we have to try something else. I also decided that although it's hot, hot, hot that we need to stay out of the house as it makes everyone stir crazy to be cooped up inside. So, after I picked her up, we came home, jumped in the stroller and all of us walked to the playground for a picnic. I have to say it was so much fun and Lola just LOVED it! After our picnic, Lola played on the playground and I chit-chatted with the other mothers. It was so refreshing! We stayed at the playground until 7:15 and then walked home to get ready for bed. With the "new me", the evening went much more smooth and there were no fits, back talking or screaming on my part. I too loved it and it made me feel like "I can do this". Unfortunately, sometimes it takes an existential crisis to get to this point.

This morning went just as well. Typically I'm at my wits end by the time we're finally walking out the door. Despite the lack of sleep I didn't let myself get to that point. I was patient with Lola and we all got out the door in one piece with no fits, back talking or yelling and we were 30 minutes early. YEA!!! Then Gaines and I went to the lake and did a 3 mile loop. I ran 2 out of the 3 miles which made me very happy. Now here I am...finally able to get a blog written and hopefully posted. I feel things will really come together now and I hope I'll be able to update you on on the good and fun times (like the ones below) too!