June 11, 2010

Hello again!

I know everyone is tired of pulling up the blog only to see Creepy again. Frankly, I'm tired of thinking about Creepy being the last blog I posted. It's been so long! Lately, I haven't been able to find the time or energy or the will for that matter to get a blog posted. I don't want to go on and on with my complaints and sorrow stories but I think I will anyway....
It pretty much all boils down to pregnancy (imagine that). I still hate it more than you could ever imagine. I now fear that I've lost myself completely in this pregnancy. Will I ever be back to normal? Will I get my body back? Will I ever be truly happy again? Has this pregnancy sucked everything out of me? Who am I anyway? I know this all seems a little melodramatic but I really don't know the answers to those questions as I feel like I'm constantly walking around like a zombie and when I think about pregnancy I just cry. Of course, it's hard not to think about pregnancy every waking minute of the day when I'm carrying a huge load that reminds me of it constantly....30 lbs worth exactly...ugh. I try to maintain some sort of happiness cover for Lola and Clay. Just because I'm miserable doesn't mean I have to make them miserable too. Of course, I'm not sure I'm succeeding in this area with Clay. I think he's pretty much miserable too. He told me the other day that he isn't going to listen to it anymore in a VERY stern manner. Naturally, I cried! I'm still very perplexed by those people who love being pregnant! I wish I were one of those people....I really do.

Now, to make matters worse, the second thing I hate most after pregnancy are birthdays. Today, I have the honor of not only being 7 months pregnant but it's also my birthday. UGH! A VERY depressing combination. For those of you who have tried to contact me to give me Happy Birthday wishes..."Thank You" and please don't be offended when I don't respond. I have a hard time functioning on my birthday. I'm not sure why! I'm 34. Old but not too old I guess. I don't think it's the age that gets me. I'm not sure what it is. However, whatever it is...I don't like it and I typically stay to myself...and cry of course.

Yes, I've now spent the past 7 months feeling sorry for myself for being pregnant and miserable. The thing is most everyone goes through pregnancy at one point and they don't whine and cry the whole time. I didn't with Lola. Although I didn't love it, I embraced it somewhat and was a happy pregnant woman. As I've tried to explain to Clay, I'm not intentionally trying to make myself feel this way. I just can't help it...literally! I actually don't even know why I hate it so much. I now have less than 3 months to go. As of now my delivery date is August 30th. Surely I can make it. I keep hoping it will get better soon and I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel but I don't. WHERE IS THAT DANG LIGHT?????????????? So for now, I'll just keep truckin' along and hope time will starting flying by at one point. In the meantime, I long to have my body back (Will it come back???), I long to be able to run again, I long to have an adult beverage, I long to drink a diet coke or coke guilt free, I long to be able to sleep on my back again, I long to have my sense of sanity back and I long to finally hold that baby in my arms vs my stomach.

Enough about me...now on to Miss Lola. This girl continues to keep us going. Right now she's not feeling quite right so I think I'm going to take her to the doctor this afternoon. She's not eating and we've had several sleepless nights. But, during the day she seems to feel great so I don't know. I figure I may as well go ahead and eliminate a potential ear ache prior to going into the weekend.

I'll have to catch you up on all of Lola's new doings shortly. One thing that she's been doing lately that kind of drives me loony is she actually has an opinion about what she wears. She wants to pick out her own outfits. On one hand I love it b/c it's a way for her to express her independence and ability to make decisions and her love for fashion of course but on the other hand I like to pick out her outfits every day. I'm very particular about what I put on her and I like everything to be perfect from head to toe. When she insist on wearing bright turquoise flip flops over her little yellow flats with a certain outfit, it makes me somewhat frustrated. But I finally give in as you can't argue with a 2 yr old (I learned this lesson the hard way). I went on a shopping spree for Lo the other day...it was accidental. I intended to buy nothing and came out with more than nothing...oops. Anyway, that's beside the point. I bought her this adorable jumper:

And, this adorable skirt:

Which I though would be adorable with this little Boston Terrier tee:

Well, Lola wouldn't go for it. She ABSOLUTELY refused! She wanted to wear the jumper with the skirt with her bright turquoise flip flops with rhinestones (yes, rhinestones!) that I hate with a passion. On top of that, she wouldn't let me put her stringy hair up in cute little pig tails. So, here's how this potentially adorable outfit turned out.

Still adorable b/c it was her creation but I REALLY wanted her to wear it in a slightly different way. She's very strong willed and a bit hard headed. This is all part of what makes having a 2 yr old fun. Never lacks entertainment.

We did move her big girl room and started working on the nursery. It is all coming together really well and it is going to be so cute! Can't wait to post pics of it. Lola is CONSTANTLY talking about her baby brother. The other day when we were at Target she said "Mama (this is her new name for me), we have to get baby brother a pacifier". So we did. She's always very concerned about baby brother. She'll ask me "Mama, Is baby brother crying in your belly?" and has other interesting questions to go along with this one. We've been trying to show her lots of baby pictures of herself to hopefully help her understand more. I think she is starting to get it...at least as much as a 2 yr old can get it. It is pretty complex!

Anyway, I'm off to hide from the world. I figure the best way to do this is to go to a movie. I'm going to see Sex and the City 2 even though the reviews are horrible. I'm also going to treat myself with a large Sonic Coke vs. the medium. Yes, I've continued drinking 1 serving of caffeine a day with this pregnancy. Brana, my sister-in-law, had at least one big gulp a day (if not more) and Curry is not only perfectly fine but she is full of personality, is very advanced and very smart. So, maybe there's something to this caffeine thing. I can't deprive myself of everything. AND, my doc said one serving a day is fine. That little rant was mainly to convince myself it's ok...moving on....

Everyone have a good weekend.


Anonymous said...

Hallelujah ur back!!! Lola's outfit is a hoot! I emailed you h/b
Love ya

Linda Rope Burns said...

I am also glad you are back. I am glad you speak the truth about your body. I know you miss your runs.